I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
