take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
