Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
