A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
