I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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