You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
