PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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