Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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