I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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