dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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