Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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