I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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