Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
