And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
