This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
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