I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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