i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
