Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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