Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
