i jhust puked up my retainher.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
