dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
