The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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