The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
