Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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