Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
