I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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