the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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