I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
