then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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