Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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