You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
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