Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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