What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
