my mouth tastes like poor choices
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
