I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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