It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
