i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
