btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize
