Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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