that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
