You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
