Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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