Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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