I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
