New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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