I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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