im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
