I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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