what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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