Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
